Things aren't always what they seem

This week, one could say my life got turned upside down.

But maybe it didn’t.

Here’s the scoop. I got fired.

To be honest, I wasn’t planning on being there forever, but I also wasn’t planning on leaving as soon as I did. I will say this much. Part of it was deserved, and part of it, the larger part of it, was pure autistic burnout. And regular burnout too, I’m sure.

But being autistic makes certain things harder for me than they would be for the average neurotypical person.

After getting over the initial shock and working out the details, I actually felt okay about it. At first, I thought it was wrong to feel okay because my parents were still worried. A pretty standard reaction, to be sure. But I wasn’t worried then, and I’m still not worried now.

Part of that is because I know God, and He won’t leave me hanging. He’ll provide my daily bread, and I’ll be okay. The other part is that God simply didn’t make me to do that particular thing. The peace I feel about that is proof enough for me.

While adjusting to this new routine, or lack thereof, I’ve finally been able to start catching up on sleep, cleaning my room, and doing all the little things I’ve either been avoiding or genuinely haven’t had the mental capacity to keep up with after work. It’s actually been pretty nice, though I have been job searching too. The well has simply been dry.

But something else struck me this week. Fortunately and unfortunately, this is just part of life. That doesn’t mean my hurt doesn’t matter, because it does.

I had a low point this week where I thought my twenties were a waste, because most people don’t know exactly what they want to do until they’re 30. Some know before then, but they tend to be the exception. And at the same time, your direction in life can change at any moment.

So while it’s annoying in the moment, I try to remember this: nothing that happens is ever for nothing. God uses everything. Nothing is wasted.

Things aren’t always as they seem.

God answered a prayer today that I can’t remember whether I actually prayed out loud or just hoped for quietly in my heart. I think I did pray it at some point. Either way, He answered.

I went to an art flea market and found a few useful things for future projects. I got to compliment someone who was genuinely touched by it, which I always love, and I found someone new to promote on my weekly spotlight page. FINALLY.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not running ads for my website or what, but the response on the forms for my weekly spotlight page and upcoming events page has basically been crickets.

I can’t blame people for what they don’t know. But I’m so glad to finally be able to start promoting fellow creatives outside my immediate circle. Yay!

I love sharing things with people. I love seeing people be passionate about something and fully embrace their love for art. Granted, some of it flies over my head because it gets philosophical. It makes my head spin, and I wonder why people like to think that deeply about certain things. But I’ve also come to accept that there are some things I’m just never going to fully understand.

And if I have a philosophical friend, I will absolutely attend their speech or whatever it is with a smile on my face thinking, “You’re doing great, sweetie!” even if I barely understand a word they’re saying.

And while I do love seeing people embrace their passions, I have my limits, of course. Someone could be passionate about committing crimes, for example, and if that were the case I’d be thinking, “You’re going to jail, sweetie.” Haha!

I love creating little worksheets, posters, and visual ideas to help communicate what a project could be. I love helping plan things, as long as it’s clear what I’m doing and it doesn’t all depend on me. I love organizing because order, color, and creativity are some of my biggest special interest categories.

The difference is this: when I get to do those things, I know it matters.

I know I’m genuinely helping someone. I’m not just another cog in the machine. I’m not some expendable employee who could be replaced in a snap. I’m not a working warm body without a voice, stuck under hierarchy, power dynamics, and lack of influence.

I’m a person helping another person. It’s something I want to do, not just something I have to do to survive.

And I can tell that what I do actually matters.

I think that’s what makes the difference for me.

Finding a job where I can feel like that? Honestly, that seems pretty unlikely. But God can do the impossible, so we’ll see what doors He opens.

I didn’t make any specific art this week, and that’s okay. Sometimes you need a day, or several, to rest, recover, experiment, and do something creative that’s just for you and no one else.