Reading and the Invisible Contract

The search for a job continues! There is one possible lead, but waiting to hear back is difficult. While continuing my search, I figured that now would be the best time to read The Secret Language of Work by Erin McGoff. It’s written by a former HR expert explaining all of the “trade secrets,” such as what companies are really asking when they want to know your greatest weakness.

It has been on my to-be-read list for a while, but only because I had to wait for it to come out. Strangely enough, though, I was hesitant to read it. She has a YouTube channel, and her book is essentially all of the best tips and tricks from said channel expanded upon and put into a book. The same can be said for Kaelynn Partlow’s book "Life on the Bridge".

I have several books in my car that I have yet to read because I thought they would be helpful, but I resist reading them like the plague. I wonder if part of this has to do with burnout, and the other part has to do with my fear of the past repeating itself. When I was younger, in my tweens and teens, I would read what I call “Christian Life Books.” They were helpful books that weren’t devotionals, but weren’t a story either. They were the Christian version of self-help books.

I read a good amount of these growing up, but it makes me a little sad to think about them.

I can see my younger self, angry, confused, and trying to fix myself. Thinking, maybe this book will have the answer! The KJV Bible I had wasn’t the clearest thing in the world to me, I wasn’t a Christian, though I thought I was, and I knew I didn’t really have a choice but to follow my parents’ beliefs at the time because I was a kid and under their authority.

Why did I read these books? It was to fix myself, as I said. I hated myself with a burning passion, and the shame I felt over everything was intense. The guilt I felt was immense, along with the frustration of not being able to understand Christianity. The only reason I never gave up on it fully in the first place was because of Romans 8:28, my life verse, and because I knew I had to be missing something.

I thought I was the entire problem for the longest time, and only in college did I realize that it was my heart’s fallen condition and me not being saved that was most of the problem. That’s why nothing seemed to work for very long. That’s why change didn’t last, and that’s why no matter how many Christian life books I read… I couldn’t fix myself. And that only added to the internal frustration, depression, and desperation for escape, for hope, for something good to soothe that deep aching wound inside my heart. It all compounded to a certain point that eventually led me to truly believe in Christ and accept His free gift of salvation. But that’s another story.

I think part of the reason I have issues with reading books today, ones that aren’t for leisure, is because of the negative association from reading books in the past. I worry my nervous system will revert to the “fix myself” default mode, or worse, that I will read the entire book and not retain anything. I’ll read the entire book and it won’t actually help me.

It’s almost as if any book that isn’t read for leisure comes with a contract of some sort, demanding that I must learn and change this list of things in order to have “successfully read the book,” and… it’s embarrassing.

It’s a perspective that attaches to the Bible as well, which is often why I prefer listening to it rather than reading it. Though I also enjoy having the physical object because it makes it easier to return to a certain spot if I need to reference something, and it makes me feel accomplished for having read the book rather than listened to it. I have a visual marker of my accomplishment. But I don’t want to have a lot of physical books because that would make moving a pain in the neck, I don’t want to reactivate the scarcity mindset by “avidly collecting” to feel safe, and rereading is boring because I remember the entire book in detail as soon as I pick it up. Granted, that isn’t always the case, but it’s often enough that rereading isn’t usually an option.

Isn’t it interesting how so many complex thoughts and perspectives can go into something as simple as reading a book? It’s mostly subconscious, to be sure, but it’s fascinating nonetheless.

My view is attached to shame and guilt in part, due to every non-leisure book coming with an invisible contract.

Others view it as a subconscious way to self-sabotage. They get the book because it has the potential to make them a better person. Buying the book and putting it on the “someday” shelf gives them the dopamine without having to actively change.

Another view people have is seeing books as a way to satiate their insecurities. Collecting books makes them look educated, cultured, and well-read. It can make them look sophisticated, open-minded, and wise beyond their years depending on what books are in their collection.

I think everyone has their own issues with reading books in general, or avoiding specific types. It’s tied to our lived experiences, worldview, and the fact that we’ve been conditioned to view shopping as a hobby rather than an avenue to purchase things we need to survive physically and otherwise.

One thing I think would be interesting to see people attempt with reading, including myself, is to create and use a reviewing or rating system. When someone asks what we learned, sometimes our mind can go blank, but when we’re asked for our opinions, we’re rarely without one. Writing a review feels safer, because it’s not an academic report of what you learned and how you will apply it. It’s getting your thoughts out and leaving a rating for your future self to look back on to see if you really do want to read it again.

And then you can see how much your views or perspectives on the books have changed since the last time you read and reviewed them. It doesn’t have to be anything eloquent, because no one is going to read these but you. That’s the beauty of it. You know what you like and don’t like, and you know what you’re looking for in a good book.

And in a way, this could be a really great way to archive all of the books you’ve read without having to spend a fortune on bookshelves. Or if you’re really craving a visual, you could also create a collage of book covers and put it in a frame! I’ve done that myself, actually, but I have yet to hang them up. Perhaps I’ll do that today, after I start reading The Secret Language of Work. I tend to work well with visual timers, and the Tiimo app is perfect for that. It takes the pressure off, I think, because I only have to read for a certain amount of minutes. And it gives my brain a goal to focus on that isn’t the invisible contract of shame that Satan tries to guilt me with.

At the end of the day, no harm and no shade toward my fellow book lovers. I’ve bought books for all the reasons above and more. These behaviors and mentalities around books aren’t new, but they’re something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

Keep reading, keep writing, and remember that if you’re wanting to read more but can’t buy the books on your to-be-read list, check your local library! You may not find that specific book, but there’s an abundance of wonderful things God put in there for you to find, read, and enjoy.