Pride, Projection, & Positive Ramblings

I don't know if I should be writing this now, because I don't think I'm over it just yet. Let me put it this way - Often times when you are mad at someone, to an extent, you are also mad at yourself. If you have had wounds in the past related to shame, humiliation, and embarrassment - then when something happens and those feelings rise up again it can be hard to get rid of them.

But sometimes, you can't get rid of them. Sometimes, you have to sit there and work through them and try to let them pass. But even before you can do that, you have to figure out how much of being mad is directed at them legitimately, and how much of it is directed towards yourself and hiding under the cloak of projection.

And it's humbling, that's for sure. Someone says something I did that happens to be true, but I don't like it because it's a negative true thing. And instead of isolating it as a one time or few times negative thing I did, I look at is as "Oh, this is a defining of my personality. I did this thing; therefore, I am all of these negative qualities." And yet, were it anyone else thinking that way, I would reassure them and comfort them and try to help them see the better way - that one action or a handful of actions doesn't define them. That's grace.

Now, why is it so hard to do it for myself?

That's where pride comes in, the alluring comfort of familiarity. Shame, pride, ego, the whole nine yards - it's all so familiar. And because it's familiar, even though it hurts me, it feels safe. Giving myself grace doesn't always feel safe. I am getting better at doing it though. I think part of it has to do with my strong sense of justice as an autistic person.

And I think the other part of it has to do with the irrational fear that I'll condone the wrong thing I did, if I keep giving myself grace. I remember not being believed when I would say, "I didn't mean to!" or "It was an accident!" but in all fairness, sometimes I would do things on purpose and say those things as a cop out. Still, it is harder to trust myself because when it really counted it felt like people didn't trust me. If I wanted to give up on something, I was told cautionary tales and warned to not be like certain people who gave up and made nothing of their lives. Meanwhile, I get extremely upset because I'd barely had time to process my emotions, pause, and think about it for a few days. Give myself time to cool down and see if I would warm back up to whatever it was and try again. But I digress.

I guess I need to start praying for God to help me give myself grace and trust myself when He is guiding me, not when my sin nature tries to take the wheel. Going back to the pride and projection thing, I think another thing that makes this difficult is the lack of clear resolution. There won't always be one, even if you did all the right things. The ball is in the other person's court, and you're free to go and do whatever you like...but there's a part of you that lingers. That hopes for something. An apology, an acknowledgement, them being told by someone else that they were wrong and should have been nicer or kinder to you or given you grace.

But you won't always get that something in life.

And I'm learning how to deal with that.

In other and more positive news, I finally adjusted to my new glasses and thank God because those were what was causing the fog I felt earlier, partially. Part of it was legitimately survival mode, and the other part of it was me adjusting to new glasses after not getting my eyes checked for what - five years? Whoops.

I've been re-watching Phineas and Ferb lately and it's been really fun. I feel like it's one of those golden autistic shows in the sense that - It's predictable enough to feel safe to watch because it won't mess with your emotions much, and it's got enough variety and novelty to still feel new and interesting and worth watching!

I really want to find more shows like that. I want to build my own little archive of things I can re-watch easily and never get tired of them. Some things are timeless, and usually it's things like that I enjoy.

I was told about creating your own tech out of scratch, and honestly when I am in a place financially to do that, YES. That's how you defeat big tech companies trying to make things obsolete! You just build your own tech! And with how many thrift and antique stores have older tech or random listings on eBay and Facebook marketplace, it'll be surprising if you run out of parts. And even if you do, you can always rework the thing to see how else you can make it work!

I can just imagine the possibilities! An iPod with HUGE storage that can fit thousands of songs, several audio books, and albums of radio shows and connect to the actual live radio too! A custom-built laptop that also has a really cute kitschy design with bright colors! I almost got something like that with a laptop cover I got, but I wanted it to cover the whole computer, not just the cover. And then the dark gray keys stood out too much when I tried to cut up the leftovers and put it around the keyboard and trackpad. But I would still love to have something like that. And a primary color computer, a really big chunky one like back in the early 2000's!

I'd also love to experiment with blank blu-ray discs and see how many movies I could fit on there! I know there has to be a legal way to do that. And blu-rays can hold so much more than a regular DVD! I'd love to have CDs that held more than 80 minutes because listen, imagine how much you could condense your CD collection if that were possible!

As much as I love visual abundance, I also love condensing things so that way I don't have to deal with a ton of cleaning - and if I ever have to move then it won't be the nightmare most people experience from what I've observed.

Also, sometimes I think I need to Kayla proof my room or something. I need the whole thing covered in cheap carpet so if I get paint or glue on it, it's not a problem. The baseboards get covered and stay clean and not dusty, and the wall stays nice. Ok listen, you know those command strips that are really thin and I think off brand? Well, they are stickier than command strips, I think. Because when I tried to take something off the wall - IT TOOK THE PAINT OFF WITH IT. WHAT.

Do I need remover for these things? I am shaking my head, my poor parents. Now I'm starting to think the entire house needs to be proofed somehow, but for everyone. Because if it's not me going into something without planning first and just thinking it's a simple thing, then it's my clumsy self-doing who knows what. Because I just don't register these things until it's a mess or something. Is that part of my autism? Probably. Because when it comes to other people's stuff I treat it like it's a baby bird egg.

Anyway, rambling about all these positive and silly things has helped me feel a lot better. So, sometimes I think the best thing to do is to move on as best you can and write, draw, do something creative because it gives you the agency you thought you'd lost but you always had in the first place.

The best thing I can do to move on is to write about something else, draw, or do something creative like arts and crafts, because it gives me the agency and control that I thought I had lost, but had actually had the whole time. Fear blinds me, and I lose sight of my agency. But Jesus helps me find my way back to it because He gave me that agency in the first place. Because He loves me.

The end.