Burnout, Job Search, & Daily Bread

Hello all!

It’s been a few weeks, and I wanted to give a little update.

Lately, I’ve been recovering from burnout, continuing to search for a job, and rethinking a few areas of this blog. The past few weeks have included applying for unemployment, getting denied, appealing the decision, and then… crickets. On top of that, there has been more job searching, more applications, and a lot of reading. I’ve been working through The Secret Language of Work, which is a very good book and one I would definitely recommend.

It has been a challenge, to say the least.

God has been helping me trust Him, although I do sometimes wish He would send that memo to everyone else around me too. I feel like I keep switching between, “Okay, God, I trust You,” and, “Okay, fine, I fixed it. Are You happy now?” Not to God, but to my circumstances.

Because as soon as I address one thing, another thing pops up. It feels like being in a sinking boat where every time you patch one leak, another one starts spraying water.

It is annoying, for sure. But what can I do except keep going?

I haven’t felt like doing art lately, and I haven’t had as much capacity as I normally do, especially emotionally. But like the woman in the Bible who gave her last two mites, or pennies, I’m giving what I can. Not because I have a lot to give right now, but because I still care about people and I still care about things, even when my emotions are inconsistent.

I’ve also hidden the weekly spotlight page for now because, let’s be honest, until this blog gets bigger — which was never the main goal, just a fun bonus if it happened — no one is filling out those forms. And it takes a lot of time and energy to search around for traditional and digital artists, gather information, write profiles, and keep it updated every week. Especially because I only know so many people, and I have already run out of people I personally know. Haha.

Overall, I’m okay. I’m praying that God continues to provide my daily bread and whatever is needed to stop up the extra annoying leaks in the ship that keep popping up.

On the bright side, ChatGPT has been really helpful for translating job listings into plain English. It can help explain what you would realistically be doing every day, which is useful because some job listings are vague, inflated, or deceptively worded. So thank God this tool can be helpful for some things.

Also, I will say this much: if you are someone who puts your worth in productivity and is constantly running around like a chicken with its head cut off, please stop. Rest, for goodness’ sake. Because if you do not slow down, God may gently force you to slow down. And while that can be a relief in some ways, it can also be stressful in others.

I really miss having the drive I used to have.

But the problem is, most of that drive — not all, but most — was made out of fear, obligation, survival, and threats of worse circumstances if I didn’t keep pushing. Rarely was it motivated by feeling like I was accomplishing my purpose, following creative inspiration, or even doing something I personally wanted. Most of the time, especially with work, I was just surviving.

Not in every area of life. With friends, relationships, and other things, it was different. But when it came to work and responsibilities, a lot of my “drive” was really just fear wearing a productivity costume.

One of the reasons I miss that drive is because productivity, external success, and standard societal milestones are all things the world values. There is an old, sticky shame thought from childhood that tends to snap at me like a snarling wolf:

“Just because you stop, doesn’t mean the world stops.”

I may not have heard those exact words, but I definitely heard something similar multiple times. And part of the reason it stuck is because there is some truth in it. Responsibilities don’t disappear just because you are tired. Bills still exist. Emergencies still happen. Life still moves.

That is what makes balance so hard.

How do I trust God, keep up with my responsibilities, do what needs to be done, and not push myself right back into burnout?

I’m still learning.

One good thing that has come out of this is the reminder that God built a kind of failsafe system into me. I cannot totally suppress my feelings the way some people can. Some autistic people can mask very well and hide what they’re feeling, no doubt. But I have never been one of those people.

For a long time, I felt like that was a curse. It seemed like stuffing your feelings down, plastering a smile on your face, and telling everyone what they wanted to hear was what you were supposed to do. Especially at work, and at church before I was saved, when I felt like I had to perform to keep my parents happy and make the family look good.

It felt like: this is work, this is church, no one cares how you really feel. They only care how you look.

Thankfully, God has since led me to Himself and shown me what church is really supposed to be.

But all that to say, my inability to hide my feelings well is actually a blessing in disguise. If that weren’t the case, I honestly might not be here right now. Or I would have a lot more scars.

Back in 2019, I imploded because I had kept everything in for too long. After a long three months, I eventually met Christ for the first time and accepted Him. And had He not physically saved me three months prior, I would be in hell right now. So praise God.

He has blessed me in more ways than I can count. I am doing the best I can, and He knows that.

Even when the goalpost keeps moving because of circumstances, even when people keep reminding me there is more to do, even when there are a million things I forgot about or didn’t consider, God knows what is going on. God knows I am trying. And ultimately, His opinion is the one that matters most.

Right now, I have one promising job option, but like most jobs, the process takes time. I have also applied for several more jobs and connected with a few staffing companies to help me find employment. So realistically, I do have some hope and some leads.

At the end of the day, I know God will not leave me hanging.

The world might. Circumstances might. People might, even unintentionally.

But God will not.

And for now, that is enough.

The end.