Out of the Fog, Into the Future

Boy, what to write. I don't have a particular angle here, no soapbox to get on top of to passionately rant about whatever my topic of interest is this week.

So instead, here's an update of current events. Over the past few weeks, I've noticed a change in myself. I've been able to nip bad habits in the bud before fully engaging in them, I've been able to reason with myself and fully believe said reasoning. I'm not getting nearly as angry or emotional as I used to about certain things. And I'm no longer in a constant state of rushing around, anxiously trying to prepare, prevent, or control things. I'm no longer trying to shove myself into the cookie cutter mold of the person I think I'm supposed to be.

The choices that were once extremely hard and loaded with shame, such as certain self-care tasks, are now becoming just that. A simple self-care task, to be kind and care for my body. Food is losing the morality I assigned it, because guilt is not an ingredient and no matter how you season it, food is fuel, not an object that sentences me to being good or bad.

All of this is so foreign to me. I feel as if my mind is foggy because the transition out of the negative and harmful perspectives into the neutral or even positive ones is quite a lot. It's overwhelming, but not unbearable. But ultimately, I know the fog won't be here forever. And I think...I think it's slowly starting to clear already.

I've often dreamed that life would be this easy. My circumstances haven't changed much, but something as small as my perspective finally changing about self-care, food, the way people respond to things, etc. it makes all the difference in the world. Previously to me, someone who could have a sustainable routine in caring for themselves and their living space, managing their money, and doing all of the "normal" daily things in life seemed like an impossible dream as I would try to do all of those things but would either burn myself out by going overboard and past my limits, or be consumed by shame and self-hatred and then trying to drown that out in over-indulgence and harmful coping mechanisms.

But not anymore. I was led out of the fire by God, and now I am slowly following Him out of the fog and into the future.

The one downside of this, would be how it makes emotional expression a little difficult. For example, I can't remember when I last reached out to a certain friend. And reaching out right now in my current state of fog feels like it would be...not as sincere as I would like it to be. I wouldn't be lying, but due to the fog it's harder to actually feel and express the way I'm supposed to with people. And that also affects my verbal filter, and I kind of just feel a little out of it at social events at the moment but I am very grateful for people giving me grace both in general and especially now.

Recovery from survival mode isn't a clean, one-and-done process, and it varies from person to person. I've been in therapy for 5 years now. Five years ago today, I went to my first therapy session and continued going weekly until 7 months ago where now I've been able to start going biweekly which is huge progress! Wow, praise God. And I seriously owe it to Him, and to the two fellow theatre major friends who recommended the place to me - you know who you are - and thank you so much! We don't chat much, but I will always be grateful for them!

The timeline of total recovery does vary as I said, so I can't say a specific timeline but if I had to say what the general stages where I'd say this:

The first shift - Feeling foggy, less dissociated, more self-aware, making better choices, but not fully emotionally present yet.

The second shift - A more stable sense of being present, better coping skills and habits become more concrete.

The third and final shift - The deeper rewiring out of survival mode, fully emotionally present, positive coping skills and habits are fully established, mindset and thought patterns have ultimately changed into something healthier and more sustainable.

I don't know when I'll come out of this first stage, though my guess would be a few weeks. But no matter how long it takes, things are still so much better than they used to be. I am so, so, so grateful to God for this and for Him changing me, healing me, and never giving up on me. And I'm especially glad that faith doesn't depend on feelings either, so I can still celebrate and rejoice during the upcoming Easter service and baptisms even if my emotions aren't all there and I'm still a little foggy - praise God!

In other news, I've been enjoying doing digital art lately. It's been fun to have a new prompt each day and even though I am still trying to figure out the best position to draw in for my wrist's sake I love what I drew every time! Speaking of art, I want to use up all of the art supplies I have before getting more, but that is a lot harder than I thought. I did condense and donate quite a few things - but the temptation to switch or get slightly better quality things is still there. For example, plastic crayons rather than wax ones! They don't break as easily. Or experimenting with trying to make a crayon that fits my hand perfectly, who knows?

Maybe I will get that chance someday!

Although I've been drawing digitally, and you can see these drawings on the arts and crafts page, I want to make traditional or physical art too. I've been thinking about Easter watercolor paintings in frames for certain people, but part of me wonders if it will feel or come across as insincere since everyone will be getting the same thing. Hmm. I haven't firmly decided on anything yet though.

I do tend to better express my affection for people in writing, a gift, a drawing, a painting, or even a hug. So often times I'll be struck with inspiration and quickly try to write it out and give it to that person as the Lord prompts me, partially because it helps me not fumble over my words but also because that's the power of the written word. It has the ability to affect us over, and over, and over again. And it's also lovely because of the fastness of it. For example, someone may not always have time to chat long after church, so giving them a note saying what I want to encourage with them makes so much more sense.

Or giving them a little trinket I crafted is an easy way to say, hey I love you friend and I thought of you and wanted to encourage you! And though I'm kind of terrible at being anonymous I don't want people to feel pressured to react or perform gratitude because I stood there and gave it to them. Plus, leaving a note or trinket and then running away is just fun for me. But notes are definitely the more common method I use since I usually have something specific to say.

Speaking of gifts and things, a friend of mine has a birthday today. I think I'll try to digitally draw a birthday card!

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Thanks for reading!